11 Recruitment Characters Everyone Can Relate To

Don’t worry if you don’t necessarily work in recruitment. Virtually everyone in any industry can relate to at least one of these classic office characters…

 

1. The Life Coach

Lily the life coach devotes every waking second of her working day concerning herself with the personal lives of her clients and candidates. Just last week she succeeded in influencing one Marketing Director to try internet dating. She conveyed to him that he’s clearly feeling dejected from the absence of living a life enriched with passionate, unconditional love, as, in her words, ‘it’s all super boasting the cake but if you have no one to share it with, you’ll grow portly and hopeless with one too many fish in your tank.’

In the same week she spent approximately 75 minutes nattering with one of her FMCG clients about his beekeeping hobby and how she never realised that bees had two compound eyes and three simple eyes on those beady little heads. I mean, did you know that? WELL YOU DO NOW. Cheers Lil.

 

2. The Stalker

The supreme weirdo of the recruitment realm. Steve the stalker.

Steve indulges in a number of highly classified activities on a weekly basis, all with the so-called express intention of ‘getting to know’ his candidates better. What he’s actually doing is satisfying the deep-set stalky aspirations he’s harboured since childhood, probably as a result of being the youngest of 15 children. Lost and in need of generating his own bizarre choice of entertainment, there really was little hope for feeble Steve, even in his earliest days.

If Steve hadn’t have gone into recruitment he’d positively be in prison by now. We could marginally forgive him for seizing a peep at his candidates’ Facebook and Instagram profiles (MARGINALLY), but following them home from the office to unearth their true social demographic and identify their supermarket of choice is not okay let alone relevant. We shouldn’t mention the incident where he ended up in one unsuspecting woman’s wardrobe. Partly because the case is still filtering through the justice system, but when we get the green light we’ll be all over that!

 

3. The Barista

Barney obviously believed that he was applying to a coffee shop and not a recruitment agency come interview day. It’s a miracle that he secured the job, but we’ll discuss the Internal Recruiter later.

This entire situation is vaguely awkward for Barney’s colleagues because no one wants to drop the R-bomb on him. He seems so content and set in his charming little routines. Barney embarks on around 12 tea rounds per day. An all-inclusive service for the whole office. Once he’s completed one round, he returns quietly to his PC and stares at the screen for 9 minutes max. No sooner have his buttocks hit the rough exteriors of his Berlin leather comfort wagon, than he’s up again taking the orders for a fresh round. Poor Barney. He’s really passionate about coffee. He even keeps a packet of Kopi Luwak in his top drawer for special occasions, and only uses premium Ayrshire cattle milk which he insists on ordering direct-from-udder.

 

4. The Loudmouth

Urgh. Loudmouth Larry. Everyone in the office speculates as to whether old Larry’s had a megaphone transplanted into his larynx in early infanthood. There’s also a rumour circulating about the possibility that he’s deaf, but no one buys that one. He can hear alright. Larry relishes in the cacophony of his own insufferable buzz. Every detail of Larry’s client/candidate discussions are highly publicised to his fellow colleagues on the retail sales team. No discretion where Lal’s concerned. When he eventually parts with his phone, it’s roughly 12 times worse as he finds it completely necessary to announce each accomplishment and failure to the rest of the team without shame and permission, just about loud enough for the estate agency 4 floors below to hear him too. It’s hard to favour Larry as a likeable colleague.

 

5. The Neg

Neggy Em. Emma is that girl in the office who persistently moans about anything and EVERYTHING. It’s not even work related half the time. She’s one of those people who actually wails out loud about being fat. Even worse, she’s one of the irritating ones who plainly isn’t fat. Sure, she could do with a couple of excursions to the gym but couldn’t everyone? It’s the ‘strong not skinny’ philosophy that she repetitively bangs on about to pacify herself.

In reality, no one cares about Emma’s weight woes. Literally couldn’t give a shiny one about it, but of course that doesn’t halt her in her path of pleasure destruction, oh no. If anything it spurs her on. As if the weight conversation isn’t annoying enough, she walks around with a face on her like a slapped chimp’s ass and spends more time crafting excuses than generating hard, cold cash. She snivels to her boss every Friday morning as an added extra perk for employing her, and the boss won’t fire her because he refuses to be held accountable for what might happen next.

 

6. The Wolf

This guy genuinely thinks he’s Leo DiCaprio in the Wolf of Wall Street. He saunters into the office every day in a blue, pinstripe suit, finished with a burgundy tie and a chilli-red face from attempting to pursue a Wall Street lifestyle in..erm..Chester.

Reality check for Wallis the Wolf. You aren’t a broker in the early 90’s. BIG SHOCK. But you’re not. You’re a Recruitment Consultant and the year is 2016.

Wallis moves fast. No one is sure where he acquires his superhuman energy store (#extracurricular?) but he charges around the office on his Samsung like a bull in a china shop that’s just seen red. His phone could be surgically attached to his face and he wouldn’t notice. It’s constant for Wallis. In addition to his rapid body movements, he talks like something I fast-forwarded on my old cassette player when I was 9. That was the 90’s Wallis. How I wish I could satisfy you in your desire for time travel but, I regret to inform you that I can’t.

 

7. The Nerd

Nicky the Nerd. Nicky is largely enjoyed by everyone, but only because she’s bizarrely quiet. In many offices across the UK, this means she’s highly inoffensive in both language and demeanour. Everyone also likes her because her revenue accounts for approximately 40% of company target. She’s basically the soul reason they get to go to Tignes in the winter and Ibiza come summer. There’s no denying she’s incredible at what she does. After all, she’s recruiting into the tech space. She’s going to put in a sterling performance. Nicky speaks so soundlessly on the phone that no one’s actually sure she’s ever on the phone at all. Her figures suggest otherwise.

Nicky is classic in a meeting scenario. She contributes approximately nothing vocally until Ron from support cracks an appalling joke. That’s when the SNORT appears. Bearing in mind, Ron’s jokes tend to induce more awkward silences than they do fits of laughter. It’s like the office adopted a micro pig. It’s not just one diminutive snigger either. It’s as though all of the noise she’s failed to create throughout the week is erupting out of her like porridge that’s been left in the microwave five minutes too long.

 

8. The Internal Recruiter

Ah, the Internal Recruiter of recruiters. Ian’s a character so he is. He’s the member of staff everyone dreads arriving for the day. He commutes between offices, so he’s not around frequently, but once a month is enough to last you at least a quarter. He penetrates the office with his poker face in place, strategically selecting his victims, and calculating the order in which he will torture them with disturbing role plays and futile development meetings.

Ian embraces the title of Internal Recruiter these days, for the sole reason that he was a monumentally crap recruiter himself (once upon a blue moon). The boss favoured him. Mainly because they both support Everton and Ian’s brother gifts them free season tickets in exchange for free sales recruitment. Naturally, the boss saw Ian as an employee…with benefits, even if he was painstakingly bad at his job. He had to give him some form of exceedingly irritating role to encourage him stay. Ah yes, Training & Development. Internal recruitment. Ian will love that! Ian thinks he’s God’s gift to the business for successfully recruiting 20 consultants last year. Shame 19 of those left though isn’t it.

 

9. The Princess

Princess Penny is the ultimate mademoiselle of the office. Her desk looks like Barbie threw up all over it and she’s the only person who’s concerned enough to make complex office furniture demands. I’m talking pink mouse, pink cushions, pink teddies, PINK ERRRTHANG.

She’s the supreme girly girl. If anything she’s mildly menacing but that might be something to do with the mean-shaped brows. Her makeup is generally flawless but who knows what’s actually underneath it? Some people in the office get her, if you call getting her IDOLIZING her, but others don’t have a clue how they’d hold a decent conversation with her. Whenever she’s on a lone mission in the kitchen, the entire space tends to be evaded. As a recruiter though, Penny is quite distinguished, although her candidate base is almost exclusively women between the ages of 18 and 24, working in beauty.

 

10. The Teddy Bear

Teddy. Yes that’s his name. The most beloved member of staff. The average Joe where the actual job is concerned, but no one in his agency can deny their affection for him. He’s a true star on the candidate/client front. No one ever wants to put the phone down on him. Countless times the ‘you hang up, no you hang up’ exchange is heard from the vicinity of his desk, you really can’t help but smile. He’s also got surprisingly good banter. Teddy loves a viral YouTube video, especially one that incorporates an accent – his preferred being the Scottish accent. After he’s done his rounds of email video sharing, he darts around the office shrieking in his new-found accent and everyone automatically joins in. He’s magical. A phenomenon of the recruitment world.

 

11. The Alpha A-hole

Adam is first-rate where the job is involved. Really good at the job. He’s also a couple of pricks above average in the looks department, with a personality to make even the most boyish of girls weak at the knees. However, there’s no denying that generally speaking, he’s just a complete ass. For starters, he’s selective about who he chooses to devote his precious time to. He’s cruel to Milly in medical because she doesn’t brush her hair and he mocks Mike in foods because he’s trying (and failing) to grow a beard through his patchy stubble and adolescent skateboarding scars. Andy literally thinks he’s the dogs and he’s not modest about it. Every time his placement music goes off he feels the need to rise to his feet and deliver an extra special speech to the rest of the office, about just how great he really is. VOM.

 

If you’re an extreme recruitment character, we don’t discriminate. We like to deal with diverse clients, so give our team a call on 0203 176 6677 our contact us here. Our Account Managers are here to assist/help you through your toughest times when working with the likes of Larry Loudmouth and Wallis the Wolf.

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